At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.