A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cake safety first. Always.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!