Ffs laughed out loud 😂
You Might Also Like
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
is it earth
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”