”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*