My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
plums roundup
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby