I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
This is me
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.