My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside