-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The Onion called it…again.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”