Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.