Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns