A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
ACED my prostate exam!
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My Sentiments Exactly
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.