Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
looks legit
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
#CoronaOutbreak
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?