There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Day 2 of my diet
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
this makes me so uncomfortable