Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.