“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

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[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!


Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.


“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”


Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today


Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”


Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.


Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?


[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”


“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”


I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!