MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas