Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Raisins are grape jerky.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.