[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then