@druuuck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

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@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@iwearaonesie

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

@sofarrsogud

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

@notmythirdrodeo

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

@sucittaM

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

@AndyJokedAgain

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”