Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider


Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.


wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*


[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol


*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*



I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.


Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.


Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?


Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”