[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.