I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
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Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS