Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right