“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
🤭😂
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…