Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through