While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
bro what is going on at twitter
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.