Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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Phonetics
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel