DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.