[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
#SuperBowl
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.