[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle