I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…