I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
You Might Also Like
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.