I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”![]()
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?