me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.