If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.