Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie