The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Wait a minute…
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit