The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Tremendous stuff
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
notice
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically