employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
For anyone who needs this today
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.