[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent