You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!