if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.