Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Oh we’ve met.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.