Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.