There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.