I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
A bold strategy
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
When your parents check you’re ok.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.