Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
titanic
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food