the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which