I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.