Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me trying to look natural in photos