*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS