People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”