I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…