Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
S M O L
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜