I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
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I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.